Hello Hello, Beautiful People! I hope you all are doing well. I want to for starters apologize for my absence on here. If I may be honest, school has officially been geared up for over a month now, and it honestly has been kicking my tail. However, I want to come to y’all now and express my genuine excitement for me being able to write again to Y’all. God has been moving in impeccable ways here on campus as well as in my own life; therefore I can’t wait to dive in. With that being said, I want you all to know that I pray over each and every one of Y’all daily and I love you all so so much!
So recently in this past few months, ya girl has had quite a few things going on spiritually that really needed working out. As much as I would love to say I have everything totally okay and peachy keen, that is totally NOT the case. You see, over the course of the past few months, my faith has been tested, purged, and purified in ways I could never imagine, yet totally needed. For example, one of the biggest things I have been struggling with is patience and accepting the fact that I cannot have control whilst waiting for God to intervene in certain situations. Allow me to tell you this story:
As I have mentioned in my post about My Testimony, I have recently been diagnosed with mild cases of anxiety and depression disorders, and because of this I really have been wrestling with how this affects me in everyday situations, how it affects me spiritually, and, honestly, “why me?” Can I just be real? I was (for lack of better words) pissed off whenever I found out I had this. Before I was diagnosed, I thought anxiety was just an emotion… something that we as humans feel… not something that can be chronic and labeled as a disorder. To be honest, I didn’t take it well. My pride was wounded, I wanted to handle this on my own, and I wanted to take control of a situation that I honestly could not control, and you know what? I really needed Jesus.
Now before y’all jump to conclusions here, allow me to continue the story. I was in full on panic mode, and I needed to see how God was going to work in this situation. Yes, I would’ve loved for an instant healing. Yes, I would’ve loved a miracle, but at that moment I needed Jesus, not for what He could do, but for who He is. When I found out about this, it rocked my world. Emotions–especially feelings of weakness and confusion– began to surface and I didn’t know how to cope with it. Over the course of time (basically these past two months), through a lot of trials, and the help/ not so graceful pushes of my family and friends, I have been able to learn more about my faith and how this disorder affects me in certain situations. And may I just share with y’all the coolest things I have learned throughout this journey? This life– especially this part of my story– has never been about me, but rather how God is going to use this to manifest His power and glory through this story.
It has NEVER been about me, but rather how God is going to use this to manifest His power and glory through this story.
So allow me to fast forward a little bit. After I got over the initial shock of the news and me began to calm down, after I got back to school and acclimated to the workload, and after things started calming down and I settled into a routine, I began to realize that for whatever reason life just didn’t quite seem as fulfilling as it had been in the past months. Something was missing, and I just couldn’t quite place my finger on what it was. I was really lost and confused on why God had seemed so distant whenever I needed him so close, and honestly, any stereotypical Biblical answers that I tried to find could not quite fill the void in my life.
I remember praying one day and asking, “God what is going on? Why can’t I feel you? I want to experience life in abundance (John 10:10), and yet I don’t feel like I’m truly living in this moment.”
It was at this moment where I could feel Him say, “Hannah, you want to live? Seek My face. You want to feel alive? Serve My kingdom, and that is what will make you feel truly alive.”
At first, I really wanted to be like, “Well God, I’m praying daily, what more do you want from me?” But after I began to think about it, I realized very quickly that I was praying not to seek His face and know how the God who died loved me and truly is all powerful, but rather I was praying with the motivation to seek the wisdom from Him to know what was going on in all aspects of my life with the sole purpose of allowing me to be in control and not trusting that He would work in the ways He promised.
(Talk about a major blow to the gut right there.) And very quickly, I began to realize how truly unsatisfying it is to have control of a situation but the God you serve in a box built by your own limited understanding. You see, my heart was entangled in a web of lies built by my own hands when I chose not to believe that God is who He says He is. I was so caught up in the “what if’s” and the “how comes” that I lost sight of the cross and how really and truly freeing the Truth that comes with knowing Jesus is. And because I took my eyes off of Him, I was caught in a trap of my own design. But let me tell you this: God Does NOT give up on those whom He loves. You see, He heard my cries of confusion. He saw how far I wandered, and He will always rescue them.
When I got back to school, we began doing a Bible study called NO OTHER GODS by Kelly Minter (10/10 highly recommend by the way) and as I have been going through it, God really has exposed a lot of things that I have been running to other than Him in times of crises and weakness. The “god of limitations” being one of them. What really has been exposed recently is how I very recently was deceived into believing that God truly isn’t as powerful and mighty and redeeming as He is in the Bible. I truly began to believe that He couldn’t work in a broken situation… He wouldn’t want to work in a broken situation… that there was too much risk in the fact that I would mess it up again… or simply that it wasn’t worth it to give me the truest desire of my heart.
But then I heard the scripture, “9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”” (2nd Corinthians 12:9). When I heard this, Y’all, it hit so hard. The story behind this verse is in 2nd Corinthians 12 in verse’s 1-12. In these verses, Paul is discussing how God had placed a thorn in his side so that he will not boast about himself, but rather God’s power in place of Paul’s own weakness. Now the thorn was not a literal thorn. According to the commentary in my Bible:
“We don’t know what Paul’s thorn was, because he doesn’t tell us. Some have suggested that it was malaria, epilepsy, or a disease of the eyes. Whatever the case, it was a chronic and debilitating problem, which kept him from working. The thorn was a hindrance to his ministry, and he prayed for its removal, but God refused.”
Let’s look at Paul’s response after God’s refusal to remove it. Paul then goes on to state, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (verses 9-10).
So what does this all have to do with the title? What the heck does this have to do with God’s love?
Let’s look at one more verse in Scripture before we reach our final destination (aka my whole point with all of this.) The following picture is of my Bible of chapter 3 in Exodus. This is when Moses has the encounter with God and God calls Moses to lead the people out of Egypt. Before the miracles happened, and before the seas parted, he had a call on His life ordained by God, and honestly, I’m sure he was terrified. Can you imagine the fear of seeing a burning bush? Not only that he was told that he had to go back to a place that he ran from? Y’all, I would be PANICKING. And Moses does too, you see, he asks God in verse 11, “Who am I?” But look at God’s response, he says, “I will be with you.”
I will be with you.
Once again, the emphasis is not on Moses and his weakness, but rather on the fact that God is with him. And you want to know why that has to do with love?
Because of God’s love for his people, he enables them to do amazing things. Because of God’s love for me– He sent His son to die for me on the cross, simply put so that I could have an intimate relationship with Him. This enables me to come to Him with my weakness, this enables His power to be shown through me, and this allows for all of the truths written in the Bible to be powerful testimonies that are more than just words on a page. And this allows for me, for you, for all who accept the gift that is Jesus’ sacrifice, to rest in the fact that it is not on us to perform, but know and allow and find peace in the fact that God will be with us. He will be strong. His power is made perfect in weakness. And He will do amazing things in and through us. How beautiful and truly glorious is this truth right here?
I pray you all rest in these truths this week and know that you are loved. I hope you all have a fantastic week and thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read. Have a great week and God bless!